Since we all know that resolutions aren’t my style, I cannot take credit for this stroke of parenting genius. This one’s 100% my husband since he decided his resolution for 2016 was to embarrass his children as much he possibly can in one calendar year. Of course it started as a joke, but I’ve made an executive decision that this is a resolution worth keeping.

After he announced his resolution on New Year’s Day, Andrew decided it would be cool to do this in the grocery store:

In case you didn’t notice, Andrew was the only person on aisle seven that should’ve been embarrassed. As a 15-year-old trapped in a 9-year-old body, Penelope is always an easy target, but this was nothing–even for her. And what about Banks? Well, obviously he ain’t scared to carry a bag of pull-ups around the store.

Fast forward a week and it’s Bankston’s birthday: time for round two. What’s even more embarrassing than your mom driving a minivan? When she paints the window, holds posters out the sunroof, and dresses like Chewbacca in the carpool line. And what could  top that recipe for a coolness disaster? Dad in an automated Darth Vader mask.

Needless to say, they were begging us to speed away:

So after the drama died down and Penelope threatened our lives if we even think about doing anything beyond picking her up in a limo for her birthday (she doesn’t understand if it’s not embarrassing it ain’t happening), I did a little research on the positive effects of embarrassment. Turns out, my husband is smarter than we thought.

WHY EMBARRASSING CRAP IS GOOD FOR YOU

IT’S GOOD FOR THE STATUS QUO

Apparently, embarrassment maintains social order. Imagine a society where humans behaved like dogs and we scratched our butts and hiked our legs on each other’s mailboxes. Not cool.

EMBARRASSED FOLKS HAVE MORE FRIENDS

Research has shown that we empathize and emotionally connect with people who show embarrassment in appropriate social situations. In other words, the dude who blushes when he notices his fly is unzipped is much more likable (and far less creepy) than the dude who goes to the mailbox in his undies.

EMBARRASSING STORIES ARE THE BEST

The things that are the most embarrassing in the moment usually end up being the funniest stories. Let’s just say we’re preparing our kids to be the life of the party.

EMBARRASSING PARENTS = BULLY PROTECTION

We’re going out on a limb with this one, but Andrew and I have a hypothesis that if other kids see what we’re willing to do to our own children, the thought of what we might do to a bully that gives our kid any trouble will be as haunting as “he who must not be named.” Voldemort ain’t got nothing on an almost forty-year-old dad with a face like this:

So, there you have it: four solid reasons why you should embarrass your kids. We’ll probably need therapy and some serious image repair, but 2016 will be a year to remember. And, who knows? Twenty years from now, they might even thank us.

Onward,

N